He says no sex until you meditate?
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So this is definitely weird. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s happening here, but it sounds like a religion or a cult? Who does this guy think he is? The Dalai Lama’s evil twin? Let’s assume he’s vegan too. So to characterize this guy, I would say he’s super into transcending his physical being via his third eye, he senses auras and halos around people constantly, he cares for and loves animals (and probably has two Siamese cats named Yin and Yang) attends self help seminars and tambourine jamborees, is nicknamed “Moon-shadow” by his “friends”, makes a serious attempt to look like the caucasian Jesus we’ve all seen in paintings, wears a toga while he does yoga while simultaneously eating yogurt, and to top it all off, he enjoys abusing women.
There is an inverse type thing going on here with the sex. Since when did men reward women with sex? The last time I rewarded my wife with sex was… NEVER. Not even when we were dating! Men (sadly) are the ones who get rewarded with sex! When we take you to a fancy restaurant with a bill of $60 or more, subconsciously we think, “oh yeah, she’s gonna be thanking me later for that filet mignon… in bed.” When we fix your flat tire, take out the trash, and replace the burnt out lightbulb in the kitchen ALL IN ONE DAY, subconsciously we think, “the only possible way she CAN thank me for doing all these things is later on… in bed.” Or when she has hurled a horrible insult at you that makes you lose your appetite for days, we think, “her apology means nothing- unless of course she follows it up with sex AND she does all the work.”
This relationship with the meditating guy is almost like a cartoon you’d see on Comedy Central or Adult Swim. It’s not real life to me because I can’t imagine it taking place. He’s just too weird and controlling, and she comes across as fragile and hopeful. This guy is an extreme deviation from the norm, and it’s good she left him.
He would spit, pinch, and scream at her because she wasn’t calm enough?! So it’s ok for him to not be calm, but it’s not ok for her to? Sounds like he’s the one that needs the meditation.
A part of me wonders what she did that wasn’t “calm”, but a bigger part of me knows that whatever she did she didn’t deserve this type of response. No one does. If I had to guess I would say that since he has outbursts of his own and is acting this way toward her, that he was told to meditate previously from a past childhood or romantic relationship and is now projecting that onto her.
Either way though, this is, like she said, a very unhealthy relationship. He’s using her faithfulness and willingness to put up with it as a way to control and manipulate her. He may even have been putting her down so much for simply projecting her emotions (I mean, it’s normal to laugh, cry, and get upset.) that she lost her self-esteem to be able to stand up for herself.
Some people would argue that she was in this relationship on her own will and could have left at any point, so in some strange way she must have liked it. I guess there are people who like this kind of control, but she does state that;
1. she felt that she couldn’t leave on her own, essentially powerless over his emotional and physical control, and was likely to an extent scared for her own safety if she did try to leave him.
2. she collapsed in a heap when the relationship ended and has chronic health effects four years later, basically showing that she was in a state of hypervigilance (a constant state of fear and anxiety) which shows that she didn’t want to be in that situation.
3. she is living a peaceful life now. She has not entered into another abusive relationship like this again. If she had liked the control then she would have repeated this type of relationship after, but she chose to find better.
I will add though that if she did find someone who was abusive after this abusive relationship it still would not necessarily mean that she likes to be controlled, but rather controlling people find her because of her pleasing nature.
When you have a history of being controlled or bullied you tend to have a lower self-esteem, and it makes you question in any situation if you did something wrong to deserve what the other person is doing to you. You don’t know if you can stand up for yourself.
She is fortunate that she was able to leave this abusive relationship to continue on to a peaceful life. I’m happy for her.
For those who are in this type of relationship, please know that you don’t deserve this abuse and definitely don’t have to put up with it and stay. There are millions and millions of people in the world, and there’s someone out there for you, who will love you for you. Trust me, there is.
Yes, you may think, “but I love him/her and he/she loves me.” I believe that you do love him/her, but he/she definitely does not love you. How do I know this? Because this type of behavior is not love. Anyone who loves you will love you for who you are.
Look at it this way, are you asking your partner to change? Are you asking them to do something that you know would upset or hurt them? My guess is no, but your partner is expecting it of you. Your partner is KNOWINGLY doing things to you that causes you pain. That is NOT love.
Your partner should be doing things to make you smile and laugh, and when there is a concern, they should be calmly (not spitting, pinching or yelling) sitting down with you to figure out how to reasonably get through it (not asking you to meditate for an hour every day for a month), because they love you. If it’s not something that you would ask of them or act toward them, but they are doing it to you then it’s not love. Love is patient. Love is gentle. Love is kind.