Baiting A Pregnant Woman?
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I think there is some important information missing to fully understand what is going on here, but 3 things stuck out 1) poor communication 2) refusing to go to counseling 3) baiting and blaming a pregnant woman. Let’s look at these one at a time.
I mentioned this in a previous post, but it’s worth repeating: men are oblivious to a woman’s needs. Plain and simple- we don’t know. WE JUST DON’T KNOW. We just don’t know what you want, what you need, or what you expect us to do in every situation. And when a woman tries to tell us what her needs are, it often feels like she is “nagging” or starting an argument. By pointing out how we (men) are not fulfilling your needs, it only makes us upset too. It’s a vicious cycle that really gets going in relationships where couples don’t take the time to work on their FRIENDSHIP. Friendship is the bridge- here’s what I mean:
If a couple is purely romantic, then their relationship quickly becomes physical, and sex becomes the only way that a man feels loved and sweet words of affection are the only way a woman feels loved.
If a couple is purely logical, then their relationship is about keeping the bills paid, following a daily routine, conversing as little as possible, and love is just an assumption- I mean hey, we’re busy and we’re making it work, so we must love each other right?
Friendship is the bridge between romance and logic. If men treated their women like they treat their best friend, then this would improve communication. If two guys are supposed to meet up at the bar for a game of pool and one of them is running late, I guarantee one guy will text the other and let him know he’s running late. If two guys are playing a first person shooter video game and one guy says, “Cover me while I shoot at the robots,” then the other dude complies.
What can you do to bring friendship back into a relationship? I assume that long before that first kiss or hug or first moment of hanky panky, that man and that woman started out as friends who simply had a crush on one another. If the guy had to cancel a date in the beginning because of work, he let the woman know.
I would say to this guy- every time your wife nags at you because you are not meeting her needs, pretend its your best friend saying, “Yo homie, there’s something that’s bothering me and I’m gonna need your help.”
Now, I do have to give men a break here and there. There are some women who THRIVE on drama and like putting men down. This is a relatively new kind of woman not seen before circa 1970. If children are involved, to the men I say- always do what is best for the kids- ALWAYS. Even if separation become the final solution- do what is best for the kids. If everyday you must shut down and go quiet around your yelling and downright vicious woman while she heaps belittling insult after insult at you- do it- because you must always do what is best for the kids. Hopefully you’ll consider the next part of this blog entry:
Jess and I had a really rough patch in our relationship not only once, but TWICE- and we went and saw two different couples counselors. Counseling is not admitting that you have mental illness, it is admitting that you’ll do ANYTHING to save your relationship (and do what’s best for the kids). The woman in this story suggested counseling- good for her. The guy just needs to swallow his pride and go.
Counseling with insurance is very cheap ($30 for Jess and I). Counseling without insurance averages about $100 for a 1 hour session.
What happens in a counseling session? Venting out ALLLL the frustrations you have with your partner TO YOUR PARTNER’S FACE, while simultaneously realizing how much you actually do LOVE and care for them. Funny how that works, but it does. So if she thinks you two should go- JUST GO.
BAITING AND BLAMING A PREGNANT WOMAN:
This dude obviously didn’t get the memo:
PREGNANT WOMEN NOW AND FOREVER WILL ALWAYS GET A FREE PASS.
I’ll say it again:
PREGNANT WOMEN NOW AND FOREVER WILL ALWAYS GET A FREE PASS.
She said something mean to you?
SHE’S PREGNANT. GET OVER IT.
She droned on for hours about how her day went and interrupted your football game?
SHE’S PREGNANT. GET OVER IT.
She nagged you for not taking the garbage out and how she always has to remind you to take the garbage out?
SHE’S PREGNANT. GET OVER IT.
Dude, count yourself lucky that she even allowed you to procreate with her. Your genetics will now live on for generations after you are gone- all because she decided, “okay, I’ll have a baby with you.”
There are ways to work through issues with regular NON-PREGNANT WOMEN, but when she’s pregnant, for the next 9 months, you treat her like a goddamn queen.
Hold on here for a second. Let’s talk about what she’s going through alone, without the situation with her significant other… She’s pregnant! 8 months pregnant! That’s hard on her in itself! Not only that, but she has a 1 year old who may or may not be walking yet, needs to be fed, can’t talk yet, and needs his/her diaper changed. That’s a lot to handle for an pregnant woman who’s almost ready to give birth. Not to mention, she’s got hormones going through her that she has no control over, she’s trying to physically (internally and externally) and mentally prepare for a newborn to take care of (around the clock care where she won’t be getting any or barely any sleep, if she isn’t already with being 8 months pregnant), and she’s scared of a birth that’s soon to come. Yes, this is her second birth, but each one is different, and it doesn’t change the fact or lesson the excruciating pain that’s inevitably going to happen (even with a scheduled c-section, the recovery is very painful, you can barely walk! I know!).
Her message here is so somber which tells me that with everything that she’s trying to deal with on her own she’s basically come to a point of giving up. She does say that she’s done fighting and feels sad. I’m going to add to that and say that she’s probably feeling lonely. This is a time that should be exciting. They should be celebrating together, feeling the baby move in her belly, and he should be by her side comforting her, not fighting. That poor mama, child and baby inside have got a lot a stress if mama and daddy are fighting a lot. This is not what they need right now.
I agree that talking to a counselor together would benefit them. I would also say that they need to each be talking to a counselor on their own. I understand that there are people who don’t like counselors for whatever reason, maybe they don’t think that they help or they think that they don’t need it, but if you haven’t even tried then you don’t really know. And, for her to suggest counseling means that she wants to work through their communication issues, she wants to make it work, and if he doesn’t want to then that’s basically telling her that he doesn’t want to make things better. Counseling isn’t something where people go to argue and find out if you are right about an issue. It’s a place where you can try to become a better person, work through your troubles, and live your life better. If anything, since she can’t obviously force him to go, then she should see one on her own just to help her get through all the stress that she’s taking on.
This is a family, and I believe that you shouldn’t give up on a family so quickly, especially at a very critical point (a toddler with another one on the way). Some people would say that it would be better to separate now because the children would grow up not remembering or knowing any different, but the truth is, it does effect them and they do grow up knowing. I’m not saying that single moms don’t have children that grow up to be wonderful healthy people. They do, but not having both a mother and father is still hard on a child. Now, if the relationship was very violently abusive then it would definitely be of better interest to not stay together. Mom and children should feel safe. From what she’s saying though, their fighting is centered around communication issues. This, I would say, is something that is still salvageable, as long as they both want to change for the better. That means that he can’t put blame on her and she can’t put blame on him. It should not be about blame. It should be about resolving differences and coming together.
She asks, “How do I not rise to the bait when he says things to get at me?” Well, she is admitting that she is aware and recognizes when he is doing this by asking how to not rise to the bait. So if she sees it happening when it’s happening then she is also aware of her reaction. So simply, “don’t take the bait”, as Brent has taught me. Then calmly focus on and talk through what the real issue is, and if you can’t do it calmly then excuse yourself to a separate room until you can.
If he is baiting her then there’s an issue that clearly needs to be addressed. He’s trying to tell her something but he won’t directly say it. I’m not a guy but I’m going to take a guess and say that he’s probably feeling a lot of stress as well. Having a family is overwhelming for both mom and dad, in their own ways. For mom it’s about taking care of a family’s day to day needs (cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding, etc). For dad it’s about working and providing for the family financially. Not a lot of time is spent with each other anymore like it was before the children were in the picture. So dad is probably feeling lonely too.
By him “baiting” her, which by the way is very immature of him, and her taking the bait they are only escalating the communication issue. If she is aware of his “baiting” then she needs to be the one to point out that this way of going about it (baiting) is not going to solve anything, and she needs to tell him how she feels, sad and lonely. If he argues and tries to blame it on her then she needs to say, “baiting and placing blame is not going to solve anything. Wanting to be right (which is what blaming essentially is), does no good for the relationship. All it does is make you feel better. It does not make me feel better. I’m telling you that I’m lonely. This pregnancy while taking care of a toddler is hard, and I need the comfort to know that you are there for me.” He may try to say that he feels that way too, in which case I would say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry because you feel lonely. I don’t intentionally try to make you feel that way, and I don’t want you to feel that way because I care about you. We are both human and we both make mistakes, and we can keep making the same mistakes over and over, but the point is that we don’t want each other to feel sad or lonely or depressed or upset. So I will try to say how I feel and address how you feel when you tell me if you do the same in return. Then we can work on how to compromise so these hurt feelings don’t keep happening.”
The main thing here is to stay focused on the real issue and that’s the feelings of hurt, sad, depressed, overwhelmed, and lonely. If they both really care for each other and want what’s best for their family then they will work on this. Over time it will get easier as long as they both say and address each other’s feelings, and admit that they both are human and make mistakes.
Note: This response is going very very easy on him. She’s pregnant. He shouldn’t be baiting her in the first place. Any added stress to a pregnant woman is not only stressing her but it’s also very stressful for the baby inside. Whatever a pregnant woman takes in, her baby takes in too, and that includes stress!
In other words, don’t mess with a pregnant woman.