Are arguments a sign of love?

Are arguments a sign of love?

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Are arguments a sign of love?

Depends on the situation. There are couples who argue everyday, once a month, once a year, or only when there’s a solar eclipse.  An argument here and there (once a week or less) is the same thing as a cell phone update.  Samsung automatically makes my phone download new information to make it run smoother about once every 3 months.

An occasional argument is a “relationship update” so that the relationship will run smoother in the future.

Our most recent argument had to do with me letting my wife know when I’m coming home late from work.  She wants me at the very least to send a text letting her know when I’m coming home late or an “omw” when I finally leave. Men are generally aloof or oblivious to a woman’s needs, and often this gets interpreted as me being mean or selfish in some way, but all that really needs to happen is a relationship update.

Knowledge is power, knowledge is perspective, and knowledge is peace.

Women think (and even chat with other women about this) that men do things on purpose to make them mad, but this is generally not the case (some cases yes and you should probably part ways with this sociopathic creepster asap). Making my wife mad on purpose does not benefit me, her, my daughter, or my peaceful Tuesday evening; but if I know what makes my wife mad and make efforts to contain her madness, then an argument is avoided, my wife is happy, and she might even want to make love later.

My advice to men in a “routine” argument (excluding f*ck-up arguments, such as issues of adultery or lying or any major f*ck-up that will doom your marriage):

  1. Find out why she is mad (because sometimes you will have no idea why she is mad- investigate!).
  2. Say “I’m Sorry” in the most meaningful, most sincerest way you can. If you don’t say those two words “I’m sorry,” well, to her and her friends and her sisters and her mom, you are an unapologetic jerk- and the man bashing begins.
  3. Find out what she wants you to do in the future so this argument doesn’t happen again and do it.
  4. If you do mess up again because of the same issue, an even bigger “I’m sorry” is required, often accompanied with flowers and/or chocolate. 
All this above is for loving couples who get in an occasional argument.

All that needs to happen is an acquisition of knowledge and using that knowledge to keep the peace. 

Women are not robots with an operator’s manual (even though sometimes men wish they were), and many times we must address a woman’s feelings and expectations

Knowledge is key, and showing her that you know things about her is also a sign of love. 

Now, couples who argue EVERY SINGLE DAY, do not love each other- they just love arguing. These couples either need to go to couples counseling and try to rekindle their love, end their relationship, or I guess stay together and argue to their hearts content.
So is arguing a sign of love? For couples who argue once a week or less- YES.  For couples who argue once a week or more- NO.
 
And that’s all I have to say about that.
 
Brent

What is an argument?

In order to figure out if an agreement is a sign of love, we must first consider what an argument is. Every person you ask would answer this differently. Typically, in an argument, you are presenting statements or facts in order to establish a point of view with the ultimate goal of persuading the other individual(s).

Would arguments be considered a sign of love in a relationship?

Some would say no, arguing doesn’t accomplish anything good, and both partners need to learn to stay quiet to keep the peace. Well, maybe so, but if you consistently stay quiet when you would like to express a concern you have, the concern doesn’t get addressed and/or resolved. The concern only continues and more concerns build up until you become very overwhelmed and unhappy in the relationship. Sure, some things could eventually sort out on their own, and you could just learn to accept the concern for the way it is. Or you can do what I do, and that’s let it out.

When you are able to let out your concerns with your partner it feels so much better. You no longer have to sit and dwell on what’s bothering you, wondering if it’s ever going to get better. You can resolve the concern and move forward. But, that’s if the concern can be discussed in a productive way.

How do you establish a productive argument?

It’s not always easy, but here’s a list that I’ve put together of factors to consider when achieving a productive argument:

  1. Your Approach. When you approach your partner with a concern, you have to do this in a way that is going to respect your partner as well as get your concern across. If you approach your partner with just the concern, it may come across as attacking. If you approach them by first telling them how much you care for them and love them (maybe even saying something that you really value about them) then they are more likely to listen to your concern.
  2. Your Feelings. Don’t be afraid to say how the concern makes you feel. In fact, make sure to include this toward the beginning of your argument. Beginning an argument with “I love you, but when you do X it makes me feel Y,” makes it harder for your partner to object to it. Feelings are your feelings. No one can dispute with how you feel simply for the fact that it’s a feeling. You can not control how you feel. You can only control your actions and your thoughts.
  3. Your Timing. This is a tricky one. You want to be able to address your concern as soon as it arises, but you also want to do this when your partner is in the right mindset. If you wait too long to address your concern then your partner may not remember what you are talking about. They may also wonder why you didn’t bring up the concern when it happened and focus more on that instead of addressing the concern. There are times when bringing up your concern may also not be the right time because your partner isn’t in the right mindset. Those are times when your partner may be under a lot of stress, pain or fear. Anything that would cause them to not be able to focus on your concern or cause them to react in a productive way may not be the right time. Just wait until you have a nice quiet calm moment and then approach them.

On the other side of an argument, the receiving end, there are factors a person presented with a concern can consider when achieving a productive argument. They include:

  1. Listen. Try to take in what your partner is telling you, truly telling you. Your gut instinct is to feel attacked, but fight through that urge. How do you do that? Remind yourself that the person who’s addressing you is the person you love and care about.
  2. Keep An Open Mind. It’s easy to start to make conclusions right away, especially as they start to present their concern. Again, fight through this urge. If you start to draw conclusions right away you’re 1) not going to hear everything that they are telling you, 2) showing them that you don’t really care about their concern because you weren’t truly listening, and 3) may create an issue that does not exist because the conclusion you came to may not be accurate. Keep an open mind to different possibilities and follow through to the end.
  3. Consider Feelings. Yes, there are those feelings again. Feelings play a big role in arguments, because they come from what fuels what makes us human, emotions. Let’s think about that for a second. What are emotions? Emotions are hormones that biologically run through our bodies. It’s scientifically proven that we all have hormones, and they are what give us emotions. To ignore feelings during an argument would be going against our biological human make up. So when your partner presents how they feel you can’t argue with that. If you do or you ignore how they feel then you are only telling your partner that you don’t care about how they feel. If your partner goes into their argument without saying how they feel try to consider this anyway. Stop and ask yourself where what they are saying may be coming from. Remember, humans are fueled by emotions. So ask yourself what feelings your partner may be having. Are they under a lot of stress? Are they sad or upset? Are they in pain? Are they afraid of something? If you stop to consider how your partner may be feeling you will most definitely find your answer to why they have the concern. If you can’t figure out what they are feeling then just ask.
  4. Stay Calm. That’s easy to say when you aren’t actively in an argument and aren’t the one feeling attacked, right? After all, your partner isn’t the only one with feelings, you do too. That’s ok. What is not ok is acting on those feelings in a physically or emotionally violent way. If you typically find yourself yelling, insulting your partner, trying to blame them for how they feel, justifying your actions, or getting physically violent then this factor to consider is for you. How do you achieve this? Well, try to follow the first three points I made. If those fail, then it may be better to take a break from the argument, either by pausing to gather yourself or removing yourself from the argument for a period of time. Typically you want to do this as soon as you notice yourself start to develop these violent urges. Give it enough time to let those urges pass so that you can continue the argument when you are ready
  5. Clarify. If there is something about their concern that you don’t understand then ask. Make sure to clarify exactly what it is that they are feeling and what made them feel this way.
  6. Repeat. Once you’ve fully heard what their concern is and considered their feelings, repeat what they said back to them. This may seem redundant, but this allows them to know that you’ve not only listened to their concern, but you also understand what their concern is.
  7. Address Their Concern. This may simply be said as “I’m sorry.” Telling the person you love that you are sorry let’s them know that you feel bad and that you care about how they feel. If this is done with a hug, even better. Hugs trigger a release of a feel-good hormone called oxytocin, that lowers heart rate and a stress hormone called cortisol. So in turn, the fuel that makes us human, our emotions, are addressed. You are replacing the concerned feelings of sad, scared, afraid, upset, and others with good feelings of love and care.

Finally, when done in a productive way arguments can be a sign of love, because it is showing that you care enough to get through whatever concerns that may arise to keep love in the relationship.

So go ahead, let it out! Productively.

Jessica



  • Jennifer

    wow—I will be sharing this with my husband…he needs to subscribe to this blog! I love the separate views…love!

  • HisandHerViews

    Hi Jennifer! Thank you so much for the feedback. We appreciate it! 💃❤️🕺

  • Pingback: Trash Is Overflowing: Is She Wrong To Be Mad? - His and Her Views()

  • Really impressed by your blog! I absolutely love the male/female perspective on relationships. Your tips for dealing with arguments productively from both sides are extremely helpful. Sometimes we are so concerned with how we feel, we don’t stop to consider how the other person is feeling. I’m definitely going to put this into practice. Thanks!

  • Christa

    I’ve always believed some arguments are the sign of a healthy relationship. If you don’t care enough to deal with issues, then you don’t really care that much about the long term future with that person.

  • Mandy

    I love this blog. How you both share. This post was great to see how both sides can make the argument a better discussion.

  • mykrazy life

    Great article. I think that it all depends on your personality Some people are born to argue with other people. Your last HOW DO YOU ESTABLISH A PRODUCTIVE ARGUMENT? is very informative and I plan to use this in my marriage. This is Mark from mykrazylife.com

  • Jamie M. Causer Nicholls

    Great info here and I love hearing this from a man’s perspective! It is truly amazing, and sometimes annoying lol, how differently men and women are wired. My husband and I often argue simply over miscommunication, and text messaging is often the culprit due to the sheer lack of communication. Face to face is preferred for me so that I get a true sense of the disagreement.

  • Jana Schmuke

    Love the two views. So reflective of the way men and women think through things differently. I don’t think my husband does things on purpose (been married for 15 years), but I would appreciate it he thought through things a little more as he does know what pushes my buttons. 🙂

  • Thank you so much, Heather! We really appreciate the feedback! ❤️

  • Yes, you are absolutely right, Christa! You need to be able to communicate and work through issues. Thank you for checking out our post! ❤️

  • Thank you for the wonderful feedback, Mandy! ❤️

  • Personality definitely has an impact! I agree, Mark. Thank you for checking out the article and sharing your thoughts! We appreciate it! ❤️

  • Texting has opened up a new way to communicate, but it can lead to miscommunication like you say. Nothing really replaces face to face communication. It is good that you prefer it and make it known that you do. Thank you for the awesome feedback! ❤️

  • Congratulations on being married for 15 years! Well done! Thank you for checking out the post and for the feedback, Jana! ❤️