Are arguments a sign of love?
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Are arguments a sign of love?
Depends on the situation. There are couples who argue everyday, once a month, once a year, or only when there’s a solar eclipse. An argument here and there (once a week or less) is the same thing as a cell phone update. Samsung automatically makes my phone download new information to make it run smoother about once every 3 months.
An occasional argument is a “relationship update” so that the relationship will run smoother in the future.
Knowledge is power, knowledge is perspective, and knowledge is peace.
My advice to men in a “routine” argument (excluding f*ck-up arguments, such as issues of adultery or lying or any major f*ck-up that will doom your marriage):
- Find out why she is mad (because sometimes you will have no idea why she is mad- investigate!).
- Say “I’m Sorry” in the most meaningful, most sincerest way you can. If you don’t say those two words “I’m sorry,” well, to her and her friends and her sisters and her mom, you are an unapologetic jerk- and the man bashing begins.
- Find out what she wants you to do in the future so this argument doesn’t happen again and do it.
- If you do mess up again because of the same issue, an even bigger “I’m sorry” is required, often accompanied with flowers and/or chocolate.
All that needs to happen is an acquisition of knowledge and using that knowledge to keep the peace.
Knowledge is key, and showing her that you know things about her is also a sign of love.
What is an argument?
In order to figure out if an agreement is a sign of love, we must first consider what an argument is. Every person you ask would answer this differently. Typically, in an argument, you are presenting statements or facts in order to establish a point of view with the ultimate goal of persuading the other individual(s).
Would arguments be considered a sign of love in a relationship?
Some would say no, arguing doesn’t accomplish anything good, and both partners need to learn to stay quiet to keep the peace. Well, maybe so, but if you consistently stay quiet when you would like to express a concern you have, the concern doesn’t get addressed and/or resolved. The concern only continues and more concerns build up until you become very overwhelmed and unhappy in the relationship. Sure, some things could eventually sort out on their own, and you could just learn to accept the concern for the way it is. Or you can do what I do, and that’s let it out.
When you are able to let out your concerns with your partner it feels so much better. You no longer have to sit and dwell on what’s bothering you, wondering if it’s ever going to get better. You can resolve the concern and move forward. But, that’s if the concern can be discussed in a productive way.
How do you establish a productive argument?
It’s not always easy, but here’s a list that I’ve put together of factors to consider when achieving a productive argument:
- Your Approach. When you approach your partner with a concern, you have to do this in a way that is going to respect your partner as well as get your concern across. If you approach your partner with just the concern, it may come across as attacking. If you approach them by first telling them how much you care for them and love them (maybe even saying something that you really value about them) then they are more likely to listen to your concern.
- Your Feelings. Don’t be afraid to say how the concern makes you feel. In fact, make sure to include this toward the beginning of your argument. Beginning an argument with “I love you, but when you do X it makes me feel Y,” makes it harder for your partner to object to it. Feelings are your feelings. No one can dispute with how you feel simply for the fact that it’s a feeling. You can not control how you feel. You can only control your actions and your thoughts.
- Your Timing. This is a tricky one. You want to be able to address your concern as soon as it arises, but you also want to do this when your partner is in the right mindset. If you wait too long to address your concern then your partner may not remember what you are talking about. They may also wonder why you didn’t bring up the concern when it happened and focus more on that instead of addressing the concern. There are times when bringing up your concern may also not be the right time because your partner isn’t in the right mindset. Those are times when your partner may be under a lot of stress, pain or fear. Anything that would cause them to not be able to focus on your concern or cause them to react in a productive way may not be the right time. Just wait until you have a nice quiet calm moment and then approach them.
On the other side of an argument, the receiving end, there are factors a person presented with a concern can consider when achieving a productive argument. They include:
- Listen. Try to take in what your partner is telling you, truly telling you. Your gut instinct is to feel attacked, but fight through that urge. How do you do that? Remind yourself that the person who’s addressing you is the person you love and care about.
- Keep An Open Mind. It’s easy to start to make conclusions right away, especially as they start to present their concern. Again, fight through this urge. If you start to draw conclusions right away you’re 1) not going to hear everything that they are telling you, 2) showing them that you don’t really care about their concern because you weren’t truly listening, and 3) may create an issue that does not exist because the conclusion you came to may not be accurate. Keep an open mind to different possibilities and follow through to the end.
- Consider Feelings. Yes, there are those feelings again. Feelings play a big role in arguments, because they come from what fuels what makes us human, emotions. Let’s think about that for a second. What are emotions? Emotions are hormones that biologically run through our bodies. It’s scientifically proven that we all have hormones, and they are what give us emotions. To ignore feelings during an argument would be going against our biological human make up. So when your partner presents how they feel you can’t argue with that. If you do or you ignore how they feel then you are only telling your partner that you don’t care about how they feel. If your partner goes into their argument without saying how they feel try to consider this anyway. Stop and ask yourself where what they are saying may be coming from. Remember, humans are fueled by emotions. So ask yourself what feelings your partner may be having. Are they under a lot of stress? Are they sad or upset? Are they in pain? Are they afraid of something? If you stop to consider how your partner may be feeling you will most definitely find your answer to why they have the concern. If you can’t figure out what they are feeling then just ask.
- Stay Calm. That’s easy to say when you aren’t actively in an argument and aren’t the one feeling attacked, right? After all, your partner isn’t the only one with feelings, you do too. That’s ok. What is not ok is acting on those feelings in a physically or emotionally violent way. If you typically find yourself yelling, insulting your partner, trying to blame them for how they feel, justifying your actions, or getting physically violent then this factor to consider is for you. How do you achieve this? Well, try to follow the first three points I made. If those fail, then it may be better to take a break from the argument, either by pausing to gather yourself or removing yourself from the argument for a period of time. Typically you want to do this as soon as you notice yourself start to develop these violent urges. Give it enough time to let those urges pass so that you can continue the argument when you are ready
- Clarify. If there is something about their concern that you don’t understand then ask. Make sure to clarify exactly what it is that they are feeling and what made them feel this way.
- Repeat. Once you’ve fully heard what their concern is and considered their feelings, repeat what they said back to them. This may seem redundant, but this allows them to know that you’ve not only listened to their concern, but you also understand what their concern is.
- Address Their Concern. This may simply be said as “I’m sorry.” Telling the person you love that you are sorry let’s them know that you feel bad and that you care about how they feel. If this is done with a hug, even better. Hugs trigger a release of a feel-good hormone called oxytocin, that lowers heart rate and a stress hormone called cortisol. So in turn, the fuel that makes us human, our emotions, are addressed. You are replacing the concerned feelings of sad, scared, afraid, upset, and others with good feelings of love and care.
Finally, when done in a productive way arguments can be a sign of love, because it is showing that you care enough to get through whatever concerns that may arise to keep love in the relationship.
So go ahead, let it out! Productively.